


exhale

by atlas_oulast



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 11:59:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17487653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlas_oulast/pseuds/atlas_oulast
Summary: a day in the life of alana beck.





	exhale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lilac_gem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilac_gem/gifts).



> do do do here i am with another alana beck fic. will i ever stop?
> 
> no.
> 
> tw for (all implied, for the most part) drug use, eating disorders, character death, self harm, suicide.

Alana walked down the hall of her school silently and numbly, clutching her books so tightly into her stomach and lower ribs that her ribs might shatter and her stomach burst.

 

She was hungry, but she swallowed it down and swallowed it up in the bathroom.

 

Her lips were chapped and cracked and begged for water. Every part of her sluggish, lightheaded body craved water. Her limbs were underwater and yet they were still dry and weak.

 

She flushed the toilet, sat down on the grimy, sticky floor and took a small baggie out of her backpack. Quick as a flash, before anyone could come in, she inhaled, inhaled, and she couldn’t exhale, she was trapped and searching in a dark endless room for someone who wasn’t there, there was a buzzing in her head and a ringing in her ears and a weak, twisted smile on her face.

 

Everything dulled. The agony was dull and quiet, for just a little while. She inhaled and the bottomless ocean turned into a white haze of nothingness.

 

She stuffed the empty baggie back where it’d come from and went to Russian class.

 

Russian, where she could understand the mindless blabber and the alphabet and the work she was thrown, but saw the papers as another weight tied to her ankle as she sank downwards, that even if she completed, she’d still forever carry.

 

She went to lunch, and couldn’t stand the smell of substance, of casserole and spaghetti and mystery meat and too many people talking too many voices and the agony was back even if the buzz wasn’t gone.

 

She went back to the bathroom, leaving her baggies alone.

 

She flushed, took out a notebook, and swallowed up the panic and torment that it carried and completed it.

 

She ignored the black spots in her vision as she stood and the dizziness and how the buzzing got so loud that it almost disappeared and flushed the toilet.

 

She went home. The rain soaked her clothes, she had no umbrella, nothing and nobody. She cried and she screamed.

 

She went home and flushed the toilet, ignoring her sister as she fucked someone’s brains out, ignoring the fact that she had no parents to ask how school was, how she did on her chemistry test, what was her score on that English report she’d gotten back?

 

She went upstairs and opened a drawer, saw the flash of metal, felt the burn of her arms and closed the door.

 

She dragged her backpack over to her desk and let herself drift deeper into the ocean as she completed hour after hour of homework. After her sister’s lover had left and she’d made dinner, watched Friends, and went to bed.

 

She put her school things again, opened the drawer, went into the bathroom, and started her daily bath, plugging the drain.

 

She filled it to the brim, plopped in one of her sister’s bath bombs and flushed the toilet.

 

She took the metal and pressed it to skin.

 

The chemicals from the bathbomb made it sting more.

 

She closed her eyes, let the metal float upwards with her.

 

She exhaled.

**Author's Note:**

> lilac you shouldn’t be giving me ideas ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> tumblr is @dev-is-in, feel free to scream at me, or at my musical sideblog (that barely has anything on it) justiceforalanabeck


End file.
